And here's the second half... Author's note: If your favourite El-Hazard character (collect all 27!! [tm}) doesn't show up in this part, chances are I cast them in a role from a later part of the movie, and I just haven't gotten around to writing that part yet. Tough cookies. :p I may finish this someday, even someday soon...I can tell you'll be waiting on pins and needles 'til then. >;) Riiiight. The Princess B*&^% A Stupid "The Princess Bride" Parody Part II Fade back in. We see Our Hero, the delectably innapproriate-for-this role lesbian ALIELLE, as we last left her: running to save her love, her only, the cinnamon in her Lipton Iced Tea..Princess FATORA. Oh, and for some reason, she has a duck on her head. Alielle: Oh, Fatora! Fear not! Your little Alielle will saaave yooou... Duck: Quack!! Quack!! Alielle: Ooh!! You stupid duck!! (knocks it off her head. Thank goodness.) Hmm..you know..swatting that duck off my head has made me think. It's such a shame I had to cleverly trick that cute redhead back there into letting me pass...she was so hot!! (giggles and jumps around. note: that was not a pun.) Oh, well. I wonder what other obstacles await me? As Alielle rounds the next corner, Mr. Fujisawa hears his cue line and steps out to meet her. Alielle: Hiya! Fujisawa: Hello, Alielle. (looks around) Uh..am I on now? Alielle: (nods) I'm suprised you got your cue right. We all figured you'd be backstage...well...ya'know. Fujisawa: (face turns red) HEY!! I stopped doing that YEARS ago!! Alielle: NO! You know...(mimes drinking) Hitting the sauce! "Glug glug glug glug"! Sheesh!! Fujisawa: OH...oh, right. (pauses, scratches head) Uh..what am I supposed to be doing now again? Alielle: (shakes head) You're supposed to come up with some creative new way to stop me from finding my One True Love, of course. Didn't you read the script? Fujisawa: Oh, yeah! Right! (turns around, picks up a huge boulder, and raises it over his head) Well, the script says I'm supposed to throw this huge rock at you, so here goes! Alielle: WAAAAGHH!! NO, YOU BIG IDIOT!! PUT IT DOWN!! Fujisawa: Now, see here, young lady! Don't use that tone of voice with your elders!! (shakes the boulder around) Alielle: STOP!! UH..quick cut scene!! WOW! Sure leaves in in suspense, doesn't it? Meanwhile, back at the cliff face where Alielle and Shayla-Shayla just..erm.."battled", we see that they are NOT alone on the coastline!! Another group has followed them there!! Plus, Universal is shooting "Telletubbies: The Wrath of Tinky-Winky" at this very spot. Okay, I can't think of anything else to do here, so I'll introduce the villians now. This story lacks the sophistication to be one of those "coming of age" type-thingies where there IS no good and evil, just pretty 25 year olds playing teenagers with various personal problems. Having said this, AS IF ON CUE, two figures ride out on horseback. One of them is, of course, KATSUHIKO JINNAI...like we could write an El Hazard story where he doesn't show up as the villian. The other is, strangely enough, wind priestess AFURA MAHN (you'know, the one whose part always get cut down to practically nothing in every series). They're followed by various Bugrom and Phantom Tribe people in various insignificant bit parts. Afura: Why the *&%^ am I playing the six-fingered man?? Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention: as if by shocking coincidence, Jinnai is the VERY SAME prince whom Fatora was engaged to against her will. There. Now you know. Jinnai: (melodramtically) Oh, Fatora! My dear, sweet Fatora! We must find her, and thrash whatever evil villians have snatched her away from us!! Afura: Oh, come off it. Everyone here already knows you only decided to marry her so you could kill her after the wedding and start a war with her kingdom. Jinnai: HEY!! You're not supposed to reveal that plot point yet!! (points to audience) They're not supposed to know!! And..what..um..gave you THAT crazy idea, anyway? Afura: (looks bored, files her nails) We ALREADY revealed that to the audience, sir. And...in case you didn't remember..we're on YOUR SIDE, for some reason. We're in on your stupid plan. Jinnai: Oh. Well..okay. *sigh* Let's hurry up and save Fatora so we can kill her, then. Afura: Whatever you say, sir. Jinnai: Okay; cool! (Afura gives him a very strange look) I mean..of course. (looks around; spots something) Well, this sign here says, "Fire Priestess: On Coffee Break. Back in 15 Minutes." From this, I deduce that she left to get some coffee. Afura: Brilliant, sir. Jinnai: I propose we charge ahead!! And to do that...we need some good "charging ahead" music!! (pulls out a tape player and presses the "play" button. The Bugrom's Theme starts to play dramatically in the background.) Afura: (sighs, holds out her hand) Give me the tape player, sir. (Jinnai's face falls, and he hands it over to her. Afura turns the music off.) That's better. (to miscellaneous extra bad guys) Onward!! And there was much rejoicing. Nameless Extra Badguy Minions: Raaaaaaayyy. Meanwhile, back with Alielle and Fujisawa... We see Alielle, Mr. Fujisawa, and Shayla-Shayla sitting around a small table, drinking coffee. Alielle: So Jack says he's thinking about doing a sequel to "Neon Genesis Evangelion", and he might have a part for me. Something about getting to work with a cute, intellectual blonde! Shayla: Sheesh, no kidding? All I get to do if more of that stand-in stuff for some "Final Fantasy" crud. I tell ya, it's not worth it to try to work outside of the union. Fujisawa: Well, after they found out about my dropping the last five AA meetings, they wouldn't even give me certifiction to work again!! I think... A-HEM. Alielle: Uuhh...oops!! Shayla: Um..I'll see you guys later. They scatter. Fujisawa runs over and picks up the boulder again. On the back, we can clearly see it's marked "Made in Taiwan". Alielle: Are you still gonna try to smash me with that thing? Fujisawa: Well..aww, heck no. Okay, kid. How's about this. You promise to study up, get a degree, head off to a decent college, and always eat your vegetables, and I'll let you go this time, okay? Alielle: (thinks, crosses fingers) Umm..I promise. Fujisawa: (smiles and pats Alielle on the head) There ya go. See? I knew you were a good kid. (Thows boulder aside; waves goodbye.) Alielle: Uh..bye. (runs off) College..sheah, right. Thank goodness for the casting couc.. AHEM. Um..annnywaay..so...she runs around, yadda yadda. Pretty soon, she runs right into..NANAMI!! (Dramatic organ sting.) Nanami: Uh...uh-oh. Nanami stares at Alielle, pretending to be afraid as best she can. We see that's she's sitting at a makeshift table with a bottle of wine and two place-settings laid out before her. Fatora, however, is seated next to her, blindfolded, randomly groping at the air. Fatora: So..uh..Nanami-baby? Where's this "romantic dinner" you promised me?? Nanami: (elbows her hard. Fatora yelps) Shut up!! Alielle: Heey..what're you two up.. Nanami: (rolls eyes) For crying out loud, I was just trying to keep the obnoxious twit quiet!! (Narrows her eyes, stares down at Alielle. Italian zither music starts to play in the background.) So, *Relrye*..you have come. Alielle: Uh..yeah, I guess. Why are you.. Nanami: Come to challenge me!! Alielle: Um..what? Nanami: (reaches aside; pulls Ura from nowhere. She sets Ura on her lap and starts to pet her in an oddly familiar way. Sinister music plays in the background) Come to match wits with the great Nanami Jinnai, eh? Well, now you've made poor Ura upset. And when Ura gets upset...people DIE!! Alielle: (sweatdrop) Look, I just want Fatora-sama... Nanami: We shall SEE about that!! (Alielle backs away) But I'm afraid you've just made one of the classic blunders of history. The first of which is: never get involved in a land war with both the Bugrom AND the Phantom Tribe at the same time. But the second, and only slightly less well-known, is this: NEVER go up against Shinnome High School's favorite reporter, greatest capitalist, and most sucessful seller of those boxed lunched-thingies of all time: ME!! Nanami Jinnai!!! (cute wink) Alielle: Ummm.. Nanami: Because of this, you shall have to beat me in a contest of wits, strength, and skill. You'll have to know the inner workings of a person's very soul, the darkness that lurks in the depths of humanity's heart, and the capitial of Idaho!!! But first, I have devised a set of clever and sadistic traps, each more insidious then the las... Alielle: (suddenly leaping forward and grabbing Nanami) BIG SISTER!!!! Nanami: EEEE!!! Get away from me, you little freak!!! (screams and runs off. Alielle looks dissapointed.) Alielle: *sigh* It's too bad. For a second there, I was REALLY getting turned on!! Fatora: (perks up) Turned on..? Wha..is that...Alielle?!? Alielle: (grabs Fatora by the hand) No time now, my love. Let's make haste!! Fatora: Haste..I've never made haste bef..(Alielle gives her a stern look) I mean..yeah, sure. Um. Lead me, ya little minx. (They run off.) Meanwhile, we see that our amusingly assembled, obligatory antagonist group has been watching the previous scene with bonoculars... Jinnai: &^*%!! My stupid little sister can't do ANYTHING right!! Now the Princess Fatora's been rescued by Mizuhara AGAIN!! Afura: Mizuhara..? What makes you think that's Makoto?? Jinnai: Of COURSE it's Makoto!! It's ALWAYS Makoto. Who would it be? I try to do something; he stops me. It's only natural..I'm the antagonist; he's the protagonist.. Afura: Since when is Makoto short with long, curly purple hair? Jinnai: Hey, whatever he's into is none of my business. Afura: And cleavage?!? Jinnai: (pauses; looks thoughful) Hmmm... Afura: Well? Jinnai: Oh, never mind!! From the way you're acting, I'd almost think you didn't want me to kill Fatora!! Afura: Oh, no; I think she's a total b*&%. Jinnai: Hence the title. Afura: Uh...yessss. So, oh High and Mighty. What's your brilliant plan have us doing NOW?? Jinnai: The same thing we do EVERY night, Afura. Try to take ov...(Afura glares at him.) I mean..after her!! Uh...you fools!! Afura: (rolls her eyes) How original. Jinnai: HAhahahAHHAHAhaha!! (a guy from offscreen runs over and hands him a little check. Jinnai signs it on the back. Afura rubs her temples.) And there was much rejoicing. Nameless Background Badguy Minions: Raaaaaayyy. To be continued. No. Really!