Author's Notes: Four score and seven years ago today, I thought to myself, "Hey, every OTHER anime series has a parody of 'The Princess Bride' written featuring its characters. Why not El-Hazard?" In an attempt to rectify this great void, out of sheer neccessity; this story was born. This is pure brainless silly slosh. Heck, it's not even GOOD brainless silly slosh. MST3K away. Just be thankful I didn't include my original new character, Erina the Demon-Goddess, a mysterious American exchange student who lands in El Hazard, solves everyone's problems, and marries Makoto. Hey fun, kids! (Oh, PS...it's come to my attention that many people who read this assume I don't like Fatora. Actually, I do like her, quite a bit...well, when she's not just screaming in terror, anyway. She's an inspiration to horny lesbian terrorist crossdressing princesses everywhere. However, I remember a time when she was almost universally disliked, and I just can't resist picking on her a bit. ;) The Princess B*%$# (apologies for the title) Part I Fade in. We see oh-so-cute little pretty-boy pedophilia poster child NAHATO hacking up a lung in a most adorable fashion. Sitting next to him is a simply huggable little box of TISSUES. That's not really important, but I thought I'd mention it. Nahato: *Hack **cough**cough* Aghh! This darn cold! (Note: The author was quite tempted here to use the standard, nauseatingly cute "stuffy nose" type here, i.e. "Thibsh darb colwd!!", but decided to spare you out of the goodness of her heart. You're welcome.) Nahato: I don't think this is gonna let up anytime soon. And I downed two whole bottles of Niquil this morning..whoo, better lie down. Hmmm, I wonder what's on TV.. *click* "That's right! It's a kitchen cleaner.AND a desert topping!" *click* "But, Bunny!! I had no idea she was the Contessa's sister's mother's cousin's evil twin's pizza delivery girl's former roomate!!" *click* "And now, Ricky Martin singing 'Livin' La Vida Loca'.in Swahili!" Nahato: Damn. Daytime television. At this moment, devious but somewhat-questionably-oriented kindly old man GALUS pops in through the door. Whoo-hoo. Galus: Why, hello, Nahato. You're looking.VERY well today. (smiles ambigously at the audience.) How's your cold? Nahato: Uncle Galus!! Oh, I'm so glad you're here! They were going to show another 'Backstreet Boys' video! Galus: Now, now. My dear Nahato. Don't fret. I've brought a book with me. (Nahato stares blankly.) Galus: You know, a novel. To read. (no response) One of those paper thingies with a cover on both ends they have at your school. (Nahato blinks at him. Galus erupts.) I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY! Nahato: (dawning realization) OHH. Right. Yipeee!! Galus looks vaguely naseuated. Nahato hops up onto his knee. Euugh. Galus opens the book. Nahato: Gee, Unca Galus. What're we going to do after this, huh huh huh? Galus: Oh, I'm sure we'll think of..(waggles eyebrows meaningfully at the audience) SOMEthing. Heh heh heh. Well, we can't get much more obvious then that. Without further ado, he starts the story. Galus (Narrating): Once upon a time, in a dimension far, far away, there lived a beauti.uh, conceivably somewhat attractive, but spoiled, young princess. Nahato (Voiceover): Oh, no! Is there going to be kissing in this story? Galus (N.): Why. What's so bad about.. AHEM. Anyway.. Galus (N.): Right, right. Of course. Well, as I was saying, the princess was very spoiled and even harsh. She lived all by herself, on a humble farm. On the weekends. Otherwise, she lived in a fabulously luxurious palace with fifty bathrooms, a hot tub, and tons of servants. Cue our heroine FATORA, happily skipping along a picturesque little country road. Along the way, she encounters happy little animals, whom she charmingly kicks the heck out of her way. Galus (N.): But she enjoyed going to the humble farm, because when she was there, the only soul to accompany her was an equally humble young farm girl. Cue, of course, ALIELLE, staggering after Fatora under the weight of two very heavy buckets of fresh milk. Cut to scene of them standing in the farm house. Fatora: (barking out orders) Alielle!! Fetch me my royal slippers! Alielle: (bowing humbly) As you wish, Fatora-sama. Shot of Alielle and Fatora standing in the barn. Fatora: Alielle! Bring me a bucket of fresh milk from those royal but repulsive cattle!! Alielle: As you wish.. In the field. Fatora: Alielle! Bring me the royal lawn chair! Alielle: *grrrr* As you wish! Fatora: Alielle!! Bring my the royal sun tan lotion! Alielle: AAGH!! As you wish already!! Galus (N.): Eventually, Fatora FINALLY realized that when Alielle was saying "As you wish", what she was REALLY saying was "Get it yourself, you lazy jerk!!". But, underneath that, she was also somehow saying "I love you." Shot of Alielle and Fatora's sillouettes at the gate of her farm. Galus (N.): So, one thing sort of lead to another and, FOR SOME REASON, they became a couple. However, unfortunately, Alielle was chosen to sail with the navy in the kingdom's latest war against a maniacal villian with control of some hideous super weapon. Alielle and Fatora hold hands for a second. Finally, they part ways, and Alielle walks into the sunset. Galus (N.): Sadly, later that very day, Alielle's vessel was boarded by the Dread Pirate Kagato, and Fatora..never saw her again. It occurred to her later that she really COULD have easily issued a royal order for Alielle to stay with her, being the princess and all.. Fatora shrugs, and heads back to the barn. Galus (N.): ..but it was too late. Some time later, Fatora was engaged against her will in a marriage of convenience to a prince from one of the neighboring kingdoms. Her parents felt it was necessary to bring peace to the two lands. But it's wrong to force people to go against their natural..er.."inclinations", no matter how strange the.. Shot of Fatora, riding on a horse around the countryside. Galus (N.): So, needless to say, she did not love him. She would ride her horse around the countryside to escape from the palace, and occasionaly purchase certain wares from the local magazine outlet. Fatora rides cluelessly into a totally secluded section of the woods where no one can find or help her. Along the way, she passes three young filmakers making a documentary. But that's another story. A strange voice shouts to her from the bushes. Strange Voice: Hey, princess! Fatora: What ho? Who goes there? Voice: Hey, I'm not a ..OH. Yeah. Well, I'm. A figure steps into the opening, and we see that it's NANAMI, the perpetually lovely con artist. A few moments later, she's joined by her two assistants (for the purpose of this story), cunning yet angsty fighter SHAYLA-SHAYLA, and the very strong and fairly tall MR. FUJISAWA. Nanami:..I'm just a simple yet brilliant little mercenary, and perpetually lovely con artist. Fatora: A mercenary, you say? How disgusting! How common! Nanami: Yeah, well, a girl's gotta put meat on the table. And make occaisonal trips to the local shopping center for new biker shorts! These things are expensive. Fatora: Hmm.. (eyes Nanami up, pausing at innapropriate locations from head to toe.) Hey, yeah. You ARE kinda cute. (hops off her horse, who quickly flees for his life. Fatora makes a beeline for Nanami.) Say, whadda ya say you do some mercenary work for ME? Fatora's hands begin to wander all over the place. Shayla and Fujisawa gape at them in disgust. Fujisawa: These kids today. Nanami: YEEEEWWW!! (slaps Fatora's hands away) Knock it off! Shayla: What a little weirdo! (Mr. Fujisawa covers his eyes.) Nanami: Hey, princess..it's possible I might not seem all that freaked out if you were a significantly more adorable character, but the fact is that you're not! Get away from me! We're just here to kidnap you, not pick out curtains! Fatora: (scoffs) Kidnap ME?? A PRINCESS of El Hazard?!? Why, such a thing is unheard of in history!! It's absurb! It's..oooh, suddenly I feel sort of light headed. Fatora collapses, and suddenly becomes unconcious for no apparent reason. Presumably, it's just what she does. It's quite possible she'll stay this way for the remainder of the story. Nanami, Shayla, and Fujisawa; seeing no other way to react to Fatora; quickly kidnap her. Moments later, all four have boarded a Roshtarian ocean skimmer, with which to.travel on the ocean. Some boring stuff happens which we'll skip over. Then, Nanami, Shayla, and Fujisawa have an INSIGHTFUL and REVEALING conversation. Shayla: So, guys..uh..yeah. For the sake of plot exposition, why'd we kidnap this chick again? Nanami: What? Oh, yeah. The plot. Well, since I'm a mercenary and all, we're doing this for money. But it's also sort of a favor. (Nanami frowns, and starts grumbling.) I hate owing stuff to family members. A stupid favor to a relative.. Fujisawa: Huh? Nanami: Well, it's like this. Kingdom A isn't on great terms with Kingdom B. So A engages its princess to a prince from Kingdom B. Yeah, I know this is technical. Anyway, basically if something happens to the princess while she's over here, B will be pretty darn upset and declare war on Kingdom A. And then..there'll be a big war. He seems to get a kick out of that kinda thing. (brightens up) But, as long as it pays the bills!! Fujisawa: Uh..come again? I'm not sure I follow. Shayla: (grabs a bottle out of his hand) Oh, that's because you've been drinking again! You can't even pay attention to a key plot point! Fujisawa: *hic* Heck with the plot, what I'd REALLY like to know is.Nanami, why are Shayla and I both working for YOU?? Nanami: (folds her arms) Well, how long did you really expect to keep your job as a teacher, with your "habits"?? Fujisawa: Sheesh. A sixteen year old kid. Come to think of it, I seem to spend a LOT of time hanging around a group of teenagers.no wonder I drink so much. Shayla: Hey, just keep a lookout. And quit hogging the..I mean, you'd better stop drinking. (holds up the bottle sternly. After a second, she shrugs and takes a swig of it herself.) Fujisawa: Hah! Even drunk, my eyesight's fifty times bettern' you two kids! I spotted that ship before either of you! Nanani: Wha..what ship? They turn around to see a giant, menacing looking ariship floating behind them. Evil Music T plays. Shayla: Oh, s*&%. Fatora suddenly becomes concious again, and hops up. Fatora: Whoopee!! I'm saved!! Nanami: Hmm..this dialogue is lacking something.. Fatora cheerfully leaps off the ship into the icy waters below. General El Hazard Audience: YAY!! Fujisawa: What?? What the heck did that fool girl just do? Nanami: What? She killed herself? Oh, no. I mean, yeah. How..TERRIBLE. Well, what do you say we head out for some cheescak. Shayla: No, wait! She's swimming towards the other ship!! Nanami: Well, thank you, Miss Plot Exposition. Fatora: You little fools!! Now I'll tell everyone about what you've done!! Your faces will be all over the National Enquirer by tommorow morning!! Nanami: No..no, WAIT! Look, it's your business if you want to stay out there, but know this: in this sea, live the Screaming Dolphin Bears!! Nahato (Voiceover): Screaming Dolphin Bears? Hey, wait a minute!! Galus (Voiceover): (annoyed) What is it NOW? Nahato: There aren't any SCREAMING dolphin bears in El Hazard! Though I suppose that depends on which continuity you're talking about. You'll have to be more specific. Also, Nanami's behaviour is inconsitent with how she's shown to behave in panel #22 of page #5 of the El Hazard Graphic Novel issue number three hundred and. Galus: Nahato, shut up!! Nahato: (meekly) Yes, my Lord. Galus (Narrating again): ANYWAY, as I was saying.. Nanami:.(yadda yadda).live the Screaming Dolphin Bears!! Fatora: Screaming Dolphin Bears?? There's no such thi.(Fatora is, predicatably, viciously attacked by Screaming Dolphin Bears just as she says this.) Fatora: AAAGHHH!! General El Hazard Audience: YAY!! The boats continue, with Fatora swimming after Nanami's boat and screaming all the way. Eventually, Mr. Fujisawa takes pity on her and saves her because, hey, c'mon, he's just a nice kinda guy. Then, stuff happens, and the ships reach. Nanami: (points ahead) The Cliffs of Mt. Muldoon!! Shayla: HEY!! That's copyrighted!! Nanami: Uh..sorry. I meant: The Cliffs of Absurdity!! Fujisawa: Aren't we ALL copyrigh.. Nanami: Shh!! This is our "secret hideout"!! That other mysterious ship which NO ONE here could possibly have ANY connection to won't be able to follow us there!! Fujisawa: (squinting..gee, what a surprise..up at the cliffs) WOW!! What an alternate route!! Shayla: Hey, how are we gonna get..(glances over at Mr. Fujisawa) Never mind. Mere boring moments later, Mr. Fujisawa picks up Nanami, Shayla, and the (screaming) Princess Fatora, and runs up the side of the cliff face in another one of his incredible feats of strength, which would be incredibly cool-looking and impressive except that THERE ISN'T ANY ANIMATION IN THIS STORY!! Yeah, he got sober. Fatora slips and falls to her death..hah hah, just kidding!! General Audience: Awww.. Fatora passes out. What a surprise. Soon, they're standing on the top of the cliff, looking down. Nanami: Ah, we made it!! (smiles and gives her Patented Cute Nanami WinkT.) As I'm sure everyone who's ever watched "The Princess Bride" will remember, there's no way anyone could POSSIBLY follow us up HERE. Kids, take note: as soon as you say that something's impossible in a work of fiction, it will happen, no matter how ridiculous and implausuble it is. Also, always listen to "lunatics" and beach-going teenagers. They are always right, especially about slime monsters and zombies. Anyway, they soon notice a small figure climbing up the cliff face. Shayla: Damn! She's coming up after us!! Nanami: Whoops. Well, I guess that was pretty inevitable. Here, I'll take the princes on ahead. Shayla, Mr. Fujisawa, you stand at conviently placed locations in her path to block her, but seperatly, so she can defeat you one at a time. Shayla: WHAT?? Nanami: Bye! (picks up Fatora) Man, she weighs as much as a motor home!!..not that I would know. Nanami carries her off. Fujisawa goes on up ahead, and Shayla stays behind, praticing a few of her fire moves. She waits. Uh..I think they also cut the rope here. Did they cut the rope? Wait; they didn't use one in this story. Okay, she just climbs up on her own. A small figure climbs up over the cliff face, all clad in scary standard-anime-villian black. By now, pretty much everyone knows it's Alielle, so I'll just call her that. It's much easier to write out then MYSTERIOUS FIGURE IN A BLACK CLOAK. Shayla: Hey, you finally made it. Good; I was getting tired of waiting. Alielle: (gets all sparkly eyed) Oooh..red hair!! Shayla: (stumbles a bit) Uhhh.. Alielle: Tell me, fair maiden..what's you name?? Shayla: Uh..my names's Shayla-Shayla..hey, wait, what gives?? You're just a kid!! Alielle runs over to Shayla, and snuggles up to her. All the veins pop out of Shayla's head, forming nifty patterns. Oooh. Alielle: Ooh, Shayla-Shayla..that's an angsty-sounding name. You must be very angsty. Shayla: (perplexed) Uh..I guess. (Note: Were this an ACTUAL animation, little question marks would pop up all around her head right here.) Alielle: Tell me, dear, dear Sister Shayla.why are you so angsty? Shayla: (backs up in a very business like way) Why, I'm glad you asked! (Were this an anime, the background would get all goofy right now.) It all started a few years ago, back when I was just a kid in Priestess School, we had this 'learn to care for your own pet' day. The scene gets all wavy. We see the standard goofy anime flashback to Shayla's priestess school. Shayla is a really cute, young-looking redhead. A bunch of other cute kids wearing robes and practice lamps are standing around, cooing over an animal in a cage. Little Shayla (much more cheery and less angsty then we normally see her): Ooh, he's so CUTE!! Lemmie hold him!! Can I, please? Crana-Crana (for those who saw the TV series, Shayla's mentor; she's a teacher here): (laughs) Why, of course you can, Shayla-chan. Say, you know, you've taken such an interest in this little guy.why don't YOU keep him? Little Shayla: (lights up..her expression, I mean) OH! Can I? Oh, thank you!! Crana: (smiling) Of course. You take good care of him, now! Shayla giggles, and picks the hamster up out of his cage. She smiles. The hamster smiles. He's very, very cute and fuzzy. Shayla (Voiceover): For once, I actually felt love, and felt loved in return..I was filled with the kind of happiness that would tun me into a well-adjusted and normal adult!! But NNOOOO, then SHE had to show up.. All of a sudden, a strong gust of wind rips through the room. Children scream, teaches scatter; many are injured. The hamster (we'll call him "Huey"), caught off guard, is ripped horribly from Little Shayla's hands. Little Shayla: (screaming and crying) HUEY!!! (reaches out) Hamster: EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee.... Little Shayla's sweet, innocent expression suddenly changes. It becomes hard, angry. Angst fills her eyes. She turns around, tears streaming down her face. Little Shayla: (furiously) WHO DID THIS?!?!? Girl: Uh..whoopsie. It was an accident. I'll get you a new. Little Shayla: (whips around; turns towards the girl.who has a wind training lamp.who stands before her) YOU?!? How DARE you!!! I LOVED that hamster!! An experience like that could've prevented me from becoming angry and violent later on!! And from becoming so insecure about myself that I'd fall for just about ANY moron who came along, no matter HOW much better than him I really am!! Alielle (VO): Uhhh.. Shayla (VO): Well, okay; I didn't quite use those WORDS, but.. Girl: Hey, I said I'll get you a new one. A burst of fire explodes from Little Shayla. Flash back to Shayla and Alielle. Shayla looks.rather upset. Alielle: Wow. What a sad story! Did you ever see her again?? Shayla: Not after priestess school; no. Not enough time to challenge her to the contest we SHOULD have had!! (fires up her lamp) But some day..some day, I WILL find that girl!! And when I do, I'll walk right up to her and say: "My name is Shayla-Shayla. You killed my hamster. GET READY TO DIE!!!" Alielle: (sweatdrop) Uh..yeah. And..do you remember what she LOOKED like? Shayla: Yes. She had..(dramatic pause) black hair. Alielle: Of course. I'm sure no one in Japan fits THAT description. Shayla: We're not in Japan. Alielle: If the language fits. Shayla: Yeah, well. Anyway. Time to die! Alielle: Hoh hoh! Most assuredly! But be warned, I am a trained pirate, with many skills in swashbuckling, wearing a patch over one eye, and.(points) Hey, look!! A UFO!! Shayla: Huh? (looks over her shoulder) Where? Alielle quietly sneaks away in the background. Shayla: Hey, I don't see anything!! Where, huh? Hey, where is it? I'm gonna stop looking soon.. Fade out. To be...continued.